In a mixture of rage, sadness and hopelessness, she laid in her bed unable to breathe
Panting heavily and running out of breath just as quickly, she wanted (needed) it to be over.
"Deep breaths N, deep breaths. This isn't how you die. Deep breaths"
Nothing seemed to be working... She was certain this may well be her last day on earth.
Lying there, eyes shut, devastated, the tears came down with a vengeance.
"This is death" she said to herself. "This is how I die and I kill myself". She screamed!
Her sisters came running. It was early in the day, early in the year. Time to journey back 'home'.
"What is going on?" "Why aren't you breathing properly?" "Why are you crying?" They asked.
"It's gone" she said. "They've taken everything and it's all gone".
All the years of hard work and commitment. The distance covered, the roads travelled. Her "love" was gone.
She didn't think she could cope. She wasn't strong enough. Love, Lust, Loss.
As she lay waiting for death, her support system held her hands.
Her sisters were all she'd ever known, all she ever needed.
She loved them. She wished she could tell them.
All she could do was lay there... and cry... and wait... and die.
3 days later, she was in Cape Town. The trip that saved her life. Literarily.
There were nights she cried but she was surrounded by love.
Pure, unconditional, unequivocal love.
3 weeks later, she found love. It was exhilarating.
For the first time in 2 years, she was falling completely in love with herself.
She looked in the mirror and saw god.
She was love, she was god.
And for the first time, she could give love from a whole bank.
She looks back at her struggles and she smiles. In death, she found life and in herself, she found LOVE.
She no longer fears death because she sees the god that she is, through the eyes of the God that she serves.
And now, she gets to live. Abundantly.
It is finished!
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