Responding To The Ways...

I’ll kiss you back when you kiss me in front of my parents while I'm pregnant with our first child. I'll probably blush the rest of the day as you remind them of the day you met them and how terrified they were of the idea of you and how far we’ve all come from then.

I won’t tattoo your name on my skin, I'm not big on tattoos but I’ll ink our wedding date on my ring finger as a reminder of my commitment to you. My forever. 

I’ll hang the picture in our bedroom. Just above our bed. The picture of your future. The one with me in it. 

My dream is to see the world. I want to see the world through your eyes and I want you to see the world through mine. I want you to see my eyes light up as I see the Eiffel Tower for the first time at night and I want you to take my hand while we are on the boat ride in Venice. I want you to drool at my perky butt as I walk towards the ocean in my barley there bikini in Greece and I want you to hold me as I giggle and we dance the night away in Amsterdam. 

I’ll write you a song. I’ll write a song only you would ever hear. I'll hum melodies that only you can understand. I’ll write you a song of you. I’ll write you into a song. I'll sing to you. 

I'll cry sometimes, maybe a lot. Because I'm emotional and I'm female and I get to cry. I'll tell you I need you and I'll  hope you understand and if you don't understand, I'll hope you help me understand why. I hope you'll kiss away my tears. 

When you're sad or frustrated with work or life, I'll be there. I won't freak out. I'll make sure you're fed (you know what I'm like) and I'll sit with you and place my hand on your heart and my head on your shoulder. I hope you'll wrap your arms around me and watch your frustrations disappear even if for a second. I hope I'm your home. I hope I'm your peace. I intend to be. 

I'm going to get mad at you. A lot. I won't apologise all the time. Even when I'm wrong. I'll sulk and yearn for attention while making shakara. I’ll apologise when you get mad. I hope it's not often. 

I’ll cook. For you. With you. For our kids. With our kids. I'll rub flour on your cheeks and you'll retaliate and I'll get fake mad and send you out of the kitchen but you won't leave. You'll come up behind me and hold my waist and I'll smile and turn around and kiss your lips and tell you to behave. 

I’ll dress up for dinner dates. And you'll look at me like you're seeing me for the first time. Every time. And I'll lower my gaze and giggle as you take my hand, proud that I'm with you. 

I'll take you on dinner dates. And you'll let me. Because I want to. And because you like it when I do. Because I like balance. And so do you. And because every now and then, only RALEY, you'll be sort of broke.

I’ll call you good looking. Because you are. When you call me sexy, I'll smile and call you good looking. Even when you're mad at me, I'll call you good looking. Because you are. 

I'll look at you from across the room and you'll get the message because you get me. Even when it's bad. 

I won’t look through your phone. But I'll ask questions. A lot. And I hope you're honest all the time. 

I’ll never lie to you.

We'll workout together. Because I like to be in shape. And because we are cool like that. 

I won't pick a fight with another woman. I've learnt not to. I'll ask you questions though. A lot. And I hope you're honest all the time. 

I’ll come. With you. For you. Every time. 

We’ll cuddle. Most of the time (lol you know what I'm like) 

We’ll argue and bicker and fight sometimes. And when we do, it may be my fault. But we'll never go to bed mad at each other. We'll have a conversation. At the very least. 

I'll be honest with you. I'll be kind to you. I'll love you. In ways you couldn't have envisioned. 

There’s 22 ways to loving me
And I'm responding to all of them

Got the original post from a friend's blog here- Toxic and played with a response. :) Enjoy.

The year I saw death... And Life!

On January 1st 2017, I attempted to take my own life by taking a mixture of narcotics and pain medication...

In a mixture of rage, sadness and hopelessness, she laid in her bed unable to breathe
Panting heavily and running out of breath just as quickly, she wanted (needed) it to be over.
"Deep breaths N, deep breaths. This isn't how you die. Deep breaths"
Nothing seemed to be working... She was certain this may well be her last day on earth.
Lying there, eyes shut, devastated, the tears came down with a vengeance. 
"This is death" she said to herself. "This is how I die and I kill myself". She screamed!

Her sisters came running. It was early in the day, early in the year. Time to journey back 'home'.
"What is going on?" "Why aren't you breathing properly?" "Why are you crying?" They asked.
"It's gone" she said. "They've taken everything and it's all gone".
All the years of hard work and commitment. The distance covered, the roads travelled. Her "love" was gone. 
She didn't think she could cope. She wasn't strong enough. Love, Lust, Loss. 

As she lay waiting for death, her support system held her hands. 
Her sisters were all she'd ever known, all she ever needed. 
She loved them. She wished she could tell them. 
All she could do was lay there... and cry... and wait... and die. 


3 days later, she was in Cape Town. The trip that saved her life. Literarily. 
There were nights she cried but she was surrounded by love.
Pure, unconditional, unequivocal love.


3 weeks later, she found love. It was exhilarating. 
For the first time in 2 years, she was falling completely in love with herself. 
She looked in the mirror and saw god. 

She was love, she was god. 

And for the first time, she could give love from a whole bank. 

She looks back at her struggles and she smiles. In death, she found life and in herself, she found LOVE. 


She no longer fears death because she sees the god that she is, through the eyes of the God that she serves. 
And now, she gets to live. Abundantly. 

It is finished! 

For 2017

2016 is over. Phew! That was an interesting year to say the least...





So for 2017...

Start everyday with God. Even a whisper of acknowledgement in your heart for seeing a new day is much better than going straight to Facebook, IG, Farmville, etc. Imagine how much easier it'll be to go to Him when things get rough if you already talk to Him everyday.


Love yourself ...

You can't give love if you don't have love to give. You have to be selfish when it comes to self love. That way, you can truly share that love with the people around you.


Forgive. A lot ...

I didn't realize I had issues with forgiveness and letting go till recently and I'm grateful for the events that occurred for me to come to this realization because now I can truly work on it.
People will mess up and do hurtful things and fail you quite often... In your rebuke, learn forgiveness. Imagine if God had a forgiveness quota for us. We for don cast since! But really, forgive over and over again. It's not just good for them, it's good for you too. Plus if forgiveness comes easy to you, you'll live a simpler and a happier life.


Keep a journal...

I was truly shocked by the general consensus that 2016 was a disaster. I mean, almost everyone I came across felt the same way. It got me thinking about my year.
A lot of good things happened for me in 2016. The end was a little trying but that cannot take away from 8 months of pure joy and God's lavish blessings on my life.
Most people forget the little victories/blessings and focus on the one bad thing cause it's more prominent or recent.
Write stuff down. If you keep a daily or even a weekly journal, you can keep track of the good things that happen in your life and remember to be thankful for them.


Learn...

What is life without mistakes and *uck ups? Life is full of lessons if only we can allow ourselves learn from our mistakes. There's no point beating yourself up about something you've done or didn't do. Get back on your feet and do better next time. Start over, give yourself another chance and do it as often as you need to. We can only evolve and become better versions of ourselves if we are humble enough to learn from our own mistakes.


Grow...

Some people just live year to year and don't experience any kind of personal growth or development. We live in an internet age so there is a wealth of knowledge waiting to be explored.
Learn a new course, coursera has free and inexpensive courses on a lot of topics. Go and broaden your mind. Read books about history, children, law, finance, religion, gender etc.
Apply for those jobs. Send in 3 applications a day, register with that recruitment agency, become more accountable to yourself.

In the end, we will look back and smile.

Happy New Year.

In 2016...

I hope you fall in love with someone who always texts back and never lets you fall asleep thinking you're unwanted.

I hope you fall in love with someone who holds your hand during the scary parts of horror movies and burns cookies with you when you're too busy dancing around the kitchen.

I hope you fall in love with someone who sees galaxies in your eyes and hears music in your heartbeats.

I hope you fall in love with someone who tickles you and makes you smile on hard days and on easy days.

I hope you fall in love with someone who will dance with you, share music, jokes and poetry with you.

But beyond all that, I hope you fall in love with someone who will never leave you behind, who will pray for you and who will never take you for granted, someone who will stand by you when you're right and stand by you when you're wrong, someone who has seen you at your worst and has loved you still.

I hope you fall in love with someone who kisses you in the rain and hugs you in the cold and wouldn't have you any other way.

Finally, I hope you fall in love with someone who loves God and sees His love in you.

Happy New Year!

More,.

You loved her so hard you forgot to hate yourself. 

You even began to get out of bed early instead of not at all just to see her lovely face. 

You were so busy loving her you didn't even notice all the wilted flowers inside of you were starting to grow back and you were trying so hard to impress her that you finally cleaned up your mess of a life and maybe it wasn't spotless but it was enough. 

You stopped slumping your shoulders and started looking at people in the eye. 

She made you want to get better and you did. Gosh, you did get better. 

Her touch made you feel things you haven't been able to feel in a long time. 

You loved her so much you fell in love with yourself... 

Then you left her.

-anon

Dating in the 21st Century!

How do we date now?

We don’t commit now. We don’t see the point. They’ve always said there are so many fish in the sea, but never before has that sea of fish been right at our fingertips on OkCupid, Tinder, Grindr, take your pick. We can order up a human being in the same way we can order Chinese. 

We think intimacy lies in a perfectly-executed string of emoji. We think effort is a “good morning” text. We say romance is dead, because maybe it is, but maybe we just need to reinvent it. Maybe romance in our modern age is putting the phone down long enough to look in each other’s eyes at dinner. 

Maybe romance is deleting Tinder off your phone after an incredible first date with someone. Maybe romance is still there, we just don’t know what it looks like now.

When we choose—if we commit—we are still one eye wandering at the options. We want the beautiful cut of filet mignon, but we’re too busy eyeing the mediocre buffet, because choice. Our choices are killing us. We think choice means something. We think opportunity is good. We think the more chances we have, the better. But, it makes everything watered-down. 

Never mind actually feeling satisfied, we don’t even understand what satisfaction looks like, sounds like, feels like. We’re one foot out the door, because outside that door is more, more, more. 

We don’t see who’s right in front of our eyes asking to be loved, because no one is asking to be loved. We long for something that we still want to believe exists. Yet, we are looking for the next thrill, the next jolt of excitement, the next instant gratification.

We soothe ourselves and distract ourselves and, if we can’t even face the demons inside our own brain, how can we be expected to stick something out, to love someone even when it’s not easy to love them? We bail. We leave. We see a limitless world in a way that no generation before us has seen. 

We can open up a new tab, look at pictures of Spain, Greece, France, pull out a Visa, and book a plane ticket. We don’t do this, but we can. The point is that we know we can, even if we don’t have the resources to do so. There are always other tantalizing options. 

Open up Instagram and see the lives of others, the life we could have. See the places we’re not traveling to. See the lives we’re not living. See the people we’re not dating. We bombard ourselves with stimuli, input, input, input, and we wonder why we’re miserable. We wonder why we’re dissatisfied. We wonder why nothing lasts and everything feels a little hopeless. Because, we have no idea how to see our lives for what they are, instead of what they aren’t.

And, even if we find it. Say we find that person we love who loves us. Then, quickly, we live it for others. We tell people we’re in a relationship on Facebook. We throw our pictures up on Instagram. We become a “we.” We make it seem shiny and perfect because what we choose to share is the highlight reel. 

We don’t share the 3am fights, the reddened eyes, the tear-stained bedsheets. We don’t write status updates about how their love for us shines a light on where we don’t love ourselves. We don’t tweet 140 characters of sadness when we’re having the kinds of conversations that can make or break the future of our love. This is not what we share. Shiny picture. Happy couple. Love is perfect.

Then, we see these other happy, shiny couples and we compare. We are The Emoji Generation. Choice Culture. The Comparison Generation. Measuring up. Good enough. The best. Never before have we had such an incredible cornucopia of markers for what it looks like to live the Best Life Possible. We input, input, input and soon find ourselves in despair. 

We’ll never be good enough, because what we’re trying to measure up to just does not exist. These lives do not exist. These relationships do not exist. Yet, we can’t believe it. We see it with our own eyes. And, we want it. And, we will make ourselves miserable until we get it.

So, we break up. We break up because we’re not good enough, our lives aren’t good enough, our relationship isn’t good enough. We swipe, swipe, swipe, just a bit more on Tinder. We order someone up to our door just like a pizza. 

And, the cycle starts again. Emoji. “Good morning” text. Intimacy. Put down the phone. Couple selfie. Shiny, happy couple. Compare. Compare. Compare. The inevitable creeping in of latent, subtle dissatisfaction. The fights. “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” “This isn’t working.” “I need something more.” And, we break up. Another love lost. Another graveyard of shiny, happy couple selfies.

On to the next. Searching for the elusive more. The next fix. The next gratification. The next quick hit. Living our lives in 140 characters, 5 second snaps, frozen filtered images, four minute movies, attention here, attention there. More as an illusion. 

We worry about settling, all the while making ourselves suffer thinking that anything less than the shiny, happy filtered life we’ve been accustomed to is settling. What is settling? We don’t know, but we don’t want it. If it’s not perfect, it’s settling. If it’s not glittery filtered love, settling. If it’s not Pinterest-worthy, settling.

We realize that this more we want is a lie. We want phone calls. We want to see a face we love absent of the blue dim of a phone screen. We want slowness. We want simplicity. We want a life that does not need the validation of likes, favorites, comments, upvotes. We may not know yet that we want this, but we do. We want connection, true connection. We want a love that builds, not a love that gets discarded for the next hit. We want to come home to people. We want to lay down our heads at the end of our lives and know we lived well, we lived the heck out of our lives. This is what we want even if we don’t know it yet.

Yet, this is not how we date now. It's how we date in the 21st Century. In 2015! 

- thoughtcataloge.com 

The thing about time

The thing about time

Time! 

That wonderful, brilliant, unassuming concept created by us to make sense of the universe we were placed in. 

Time was a concept she held very dear; because in this very moment, it was all she had. 

Time to heal, time to breathe, time work and time to live. Again! 

She had made the decision to focus on other 'important' things and allow time fulfil all of its promises about healing all wounds. 

Time was her medicine.

Carpe Diem Originated in the "Odes" a long series of poems composed by Roman poet- Horace in 65 B.C.E, in which he writes:

"Scale back your long hopes to a short period.

While we speak, time is envious and is running away from us.

Seize the day, trusting little in the future."

That was exactly what she did.

She laid her eyes on him for the first time and she knew.

Time had brought him to her and she made a decision in that moment to seize the day.

Carpe Diem.

The girl and her memoir - Brunch

It was a BMW. An M6 as she recalled!
She couldn't believe she was doing this.
She walked down the stairs and made her way to the door when she felt she looked nice enough.
She wore her long black dress and a white cashmere jumper, soft make-up with her hair cascading down her back.
'You look great dear, now relax and go have fun!' Her aunt said.
She had only been in Cape Town a day and she really wanted to chill and hang out with her family.


Talking with Mark was a struggle at first but he was good to look at so she didn't mind.
They discussed work, family, religion, politics; they didn't go anywhere near relationships. She wasn't prepared for that...
After a few glasses of wine, conversation went from casual to flirty and numbers were exchanged for Whatsapp purposes. (Thank God for that huh?)
After getting through immigration, he promised to arrange a meet soon and he did! Soon!


Mark stopped for what seemed like an eternity and just looked at her... 'You are beautiful' he said as he held out his hand and led her to the open passenger door.
She smiled but didn't say a word. She was excited about her date but it wasn't because of Mark.
This was simply because she could let herself bask in the attention of someone else and not feel bad for the first time in 6 months.
This was a good step!

Mark had shaved, he wore a nice musky fragrance that filled the car and honestly looked like a movie star in his dark Ray Ban aviator sunglasses but again, this wasn't about him.
This afternoon was about her! Letting go, making conversation, having a good time and that car!
All she could think of in that moment was how good she looked in his white BMW M6 and she made herself comfortable.

The girl and her memoir - Mark

He watched her closely. She could feel his gaze on her. He looked a bit worried but he didn't move. She had tears dripping down her face for the last half hour and he wondered what could have happened to her. Sickness? Heartbreak? Death? He was genuinely concerned.

He felt helpless but he couldn't take his eyes off her. She had very soft features. A lovely pointed nose, piercing eyes and big soft lips or at least he thought so.

When she walked into the airplane, she caught his attention. Her accent was different. Nigerian with a hint of Southern English. She smiled at the air hostess and he thought her smile lit up the place. He decided that he was going to talk to her. Maybe flirt with her if she was single but now it seemed unlikely. She didn't look at him. She finished her glass of wine and closed her eyes again.

He had his earphones in and was listening to some jazz music. It was soothing. He looked across to her again, she was asleep. He thought she looked peaceful. He started to feel sorry for her; wondering how he could help. Twenty minutes later, she woke up and asked for some water. She sat up and looked around and their eyes met - Finally. He held her gaze and smiled. She smiled too and looked away. He thought now would be as good a time as any to say hi. So he got up, walked towards her and stood over her seat. She looked up at him. He was tall and he had broad shoulders, brown eyes and soft dark hair. Possibly the most good looking man she had met this year.

"Hi, my name is Mark". She smiled, "Hello Mark, it's nice to meet you"...!

The girl and her memoir - Dusk

After she took her seat, she asked for a glass of water and settled in. With enough room for her to stretch, she got as comfortable as she could, drank her glass of water and closed her eyes. By the time she opened them, the plane was already in the sky. She looked around her, most people were asleep. They had a long way to go. She flicked through the channels on the small screen in front of her and when she found nothing interesting, she closed her eyes again.
This time, the tears came and she let them. It was inevitable because every time she was alone, she would think of him and fight the tears.

The gentleman beside her watched her. He didn't want to be rude. She knew he was watching her but she didn't care. She needed to cry and cry she did. Like a little child.

'I'll take a bullet for you', 'I love you', 'You give me joy', 'I hope I don't have to look any further'...

Words that now became empty, meaningless, hurtful.

He broke her but she loved him anyway. She loved him too much. That was her weakness. Her mistake perhaps.

But for all the memories they shared and all the promises made, she needed to let go and in order to do that, she needed to cry so cry she did!